My most recent addiction.

Exasperation.

So I feel like I lack self discipline. And I lack balance at school, like I would do really really good in one class then realize I'm failing others. Then i focus on the ones I'm failing and realize I'm failing the other one that I'm good at. BioChem is supposed to be easy but since I LACK SELF DISCIPLINE I could never get myself to work. I'm on Unit 3 Module B for like 100 years and I can't get off it cause I keep slacking off and doing work from other classes. I try so fucking hard in math but i still stay with a B no matter what, and I was too sick to come to class for 3 days and now I don't even know wtf is happening in that class. I didn't do any of the problems in the homework, well I did but its probably wrong so I fucking gave up and i just know i'm gonna bomb the tests and quizzes. Although, I had a C in World Studies and now I have a beautiful A :) But shit. I feel like I'd do better in fucking Algebra 2 or something. Cause other people are fucking like seniors in geometry getting 4.0's and I've been working my ass off since i was fucking BORN and i think i deserve that 4.0. I used to be able to slack off and still get a perfect gpa. and like mr. hannigans class is so easygoing that i cant help but just blow everything off and i have a fucking b-. ive always been good at english. i dont even know. im trying hard. my sister is like going out with her boyfriend every day coming home at 10 and going to sleep and she seems so chill with her life and im hella stressed why am i even hella stressed. why doesnt fucking chapter 6 just blow over so i could get on with the easy shit, gohhhd. claudine is frustrated! And just now I thought about how everytime im screwing up, i tell my mom and when she said just do my best, whatever the result is. and when she says shes still proud of me it makes me feel hella better as if shes the one ive been trying to impress all this time.

Happiness.

Sometimes I feel like my happiness is always incomplete. When something good happens to me, it's never 100%. Kinda like in math, where I'm in a high level, but I always get C's. And finally this year I'm understanding everything, but still manage to always get B's. I'm always second place for some reason, hmmmmmm. I'm very sick right now, it sucks. My back/stomach/neck hurts from coughing too hard. I had a dream that I had tuberculosis and coughed up blood. Whaaaat. The only thing I'm really happy about is my boyfriend, but even then. Like I was more than 100% happy when he was here, then suddenly he moves. So I was 100% happy when I found out that he can still go to logan, then suddenly I realize that we barely have me&him time anymore. Wddfff dude =[

Miss.

miss • |mis| • verb • [ trans. ]: 1 notice the loss or absence of : he's rich—he won't miss the money | she slipped away when she thought she wouldn't be missed.
• feel regret or sadness at no longer being able to enjoy the presence of : she misses all her old friends.
• feel regret or sadness at no longer being able to go to, do, or have : I still miss France and I wish I could go back.

Note to self:

10/25/08. 8:30-10:00 P.M.
movie: "Knocked Up."
Oakland, CA.

Naive.

"Stick your nose up. Higher, higher! Walk in a straight line with your hand propped up against your hip. Yes, they are watching. So give them a show. You're the star." Give me a break. Go on; Label me preppy because I'm outgoing; Label me nerdy because I'm Asian; Label me punk because I wear eyeliner; But you can't label me ignorant.

Egocentricism.

The one quality that I wouldn't want any of my friends to have is extreme selfishness. Everyone is selfish sometimes but what absolutely bothers me is when someone is selfish all the time. And I actually know someone who really is that self centered!

Dear Selfish,
If the world really revolved around you, you'd be the sun. BUT YOU'RE NOT THE SUN, THEREFORE THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU. I'm your friend and I'll be there for you whenever I can. But I can't possibly be there every single time you need me, that's why you have more than one friend, so you can actually talk to them when I'm not present! But I have a feeling you treat me exactly like how you treat your other friends. I love you, and we have lots of fun together. Well, we had lots of fun together. Until one morning you got yelled at by your mom, cried at school, and realized you get waaay more attention if your life SUCKS. So you constantly find little things to kill your mood just so you have a reason to act like a bitch the whole day. So I ask you what's wrong, and you spill your guts to me, and the problem you're bitching about is the same problem you were bitching about the day before! And the day before that, and the day before that, and the day before that, and the day before that! Just a little tweaked up, more exaggerated than the previous day to make it seem even WORSE than the last time. I mean, I have problems too, I get annoyed easily, my grades are dropping a little but that doesn't give me a reason to bitch all day to my friends, and when they get tired of it, I don't bitch even more about how everyone's leaving me and I have no friends! You HAVE friends, but you're scaring them away! Life's a bitch but it can't possibly be as bad as you make it seem. You're alive, you have a house, you have food to eat, you're getting your education, for god's sakes didn't you tell me you were getting a car next month?!?!!

Just because I'm tired of hearing the same damn thing everyday and refuse to ask "what's wrong," doesn't mean I'm the bad friend. Yeah, by being your friend I sorta made a commitment to be with you through everything but NEWSFLASH you're not even my best friend! I have ONE class with you! When you tell me the same story over text, and I reply with "I already discussed this with you yesterday," I get a "What kinda friend are YOU? You don't even care about anything I say, my life already sucks and you're gonna add all that weight to my shoulders?!" With all due respect...BITCH YOU'RE ADDING WEIGHT TO MY SHOULDERS. When have you ever helped me with my problems?! Do you even fucking know what's going on in my life? I wouldn't even be surprised if you forgot my name! What's wrong with you, I walk into class and the first thing I hear is "Dude, I'm so emo..." Okay?! You're cool?!

I'm afraid this blog is waaay too honest and I'm pretty sure if the person I'm talking about is reading this, she would know who she is.

And if that person really is reading this....I'm sorry honey, but you need to know.

Choices.

To start off, you need to know that I'm a very indecisive person. I like to contemplate before I make decisions, because I'm afraid to be wrong. Through experience, I've learned that no matter how much I think before I make my choice, it still doesn't make the choice I make, right. My mom always says "Regret never comes firsthand." That's right for the most part, but what about the things you can't control? What about the things that just happen? Well maybe regret really does come firsthand, you just don't know it yet.

Last week I came across a situation where I tested my friendship with two people. One of them I'm, in a way, close with, while the other one is just someone I know. I don't want to go into detail, but basically, there was just this problem that involved all three of us. Even though the one I'm close with was wrong, and the one that's just someone I know was right, I decided to continue on being friends with the one I'm close with because I realize that no matter what, through everything, he/she's the one that has made more of an impact in my life than the other person. And I can't stand having him/her walk out of my life. I was proud to realize that, and proud that I made the right decision...I think.

Solitude.

I need to learn how to be more independent. I feel like there are certain people that need to be in my life in order for me to stand on my own two feet. I should really learn how to just trust myself and make sure that I don't put my all into someone so that when they leave, it won't affect me. I don't mind being dented, but I don't want to be broken. Something I also need to learn is how to adjust to change. I can't just expect everything to be all good and dandy my entire life, shit happens. I should just be thankful that for a short period of time everyday was a perfect day. I didn't wake up grumpy, I woke up with a huge smile on my face, 100% sure that my day was going to be flawless, just like yesterday. What I didn't know that finally, I'll wake up, expecting a day even better than the previous one, and found myself in tears by the end of it. Suddenly, I get a second chance and everything's all good again, until I start to really think. This change is affecting everything and no matter what nothing's ever gonna be back to normal. And I can't have that. I just wish that whatever happens, I'll be fine. I want to be able to handle everything without needing anyone to hold me up because in the end, the only person that will never let me down is myself.

Damage.

I was finally really happy. Everything was going really well for me. But of course something has to come along and screw it all up. 8 months and 9 days of seeing each other and kickin it every single day, to maybe seeing each other every weekend. I can't do it:[ I know I can't. I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of thinking about it, knowing there's really no bright side. Because there isn't. I'm sick of this fucking lump in my throat and I'm scared to death of next week. I don't want it to come. I wish today would be the longest fucking day ever. But I know our relationship was way too good for something not to go wrong. Because when things seem too good to be true, it probably is. I love you. You're my everything. You're not supposed to be..but you are. I just wanna be with you. How we are every single day for the past 8 months and I don't want anything to change. I don't want distance between us. I need you here. I hate walking around and seeing other couples so happy. They're always taking pictures and putting it all over their myspace with their cute smiles and holding hands and all that. Going over to each other's houses and spending time with each other..we had that. Why do they get to do that for years and more to come, while all we have is a mere 8 months. This is so unfair.

Punishment.

I'm a cheerful person, I hate drama, and I hate hate and I hate when people don't like me. Even the people that don't matter to me, if I get the feeling they don't like me, it still affects me. Because I feel like I'm not doing something right. I'm human and I accept that--I'll make mistakes, and keep making them 'til I get it right. I sin, I sin to God, break the rules, andgo against my word. I'm imperfect, and it makes me feel exactly how God intended it. I try to fix it, and I'll try to make it better, but no promises, because I'm imperfect. We're all imperfect, but some people are just more sorted out than others. I'm imperfect. I'm imperfect. I'm imperfect. How many times do I need to admit it? I know I'm wrong, but I still do it. My self discipline fails me, and I fail someone else. I fail God. But I'll fix it, and I'll try to fix it, because I'm aware of my mistakes, and it can never be permanent unless I let it. It's never to late to change your direction. I'm only human, and we can only handle so much. Someone has my life all planned out, and no matter what, it's always going to work out in the end. Because he's God. And he knows everything, and he'll help fix my problems, and he'll help me get through the rough times and he'll guide me with the things I need to get by and he'll teach me how to be stronger and he'll have me experience how much I need to be independent and and he'll provide me with as much tears I need to lift the weight off my shoulders, and he'll remind me when I'm doing something wrong and he'll show me the difference between what I want and what I need and he'll train me to be more grateful for the people that work so hard to keep me up. Best of all, he built me to be strong. I know he did.

So no matter how difficult and how much struggle he puts me through...I know I don't have a reason to be angry with God.

Irony.

I think it's strange how people break up then suddenly hate each other. First of all, don't you think you should be even just a little grateful for the people that worked so hard to keep you happy at one point? And what about all that time you spent together, all the stuff you went through...do you just erase it from your memory or what? I've always wondered why ex-couples feel the need to talk all that shit about each other, I mean, if that girl was so bad in bed, why would you even fuck them five more times after the first one? And if that guy was so bad at kissing, then why did you keep going to the movies with him just to make out? If your ex was so bad at everything, why'd you even keep dating that person in the first place?! We all know our ex's were amazing but just too afraid to admit it because you'd feel like you let something good go. And we all talk shit because we're angry. But if it was meant to be, it would always find its way, and since you're still not back together, maybe you were meant to be just friends. Like I always say, the current is always good 'til you find something better. I'm friends with almost all my ex's because they were my best friends at one point, and taking it to the next level and having it not work out would NEVER be my reason for a broken friendship. But take note that I said ALMOST when I said all my ex's are my friends. There is only one exception, and this guy was the only one that dumped me. So, he dumps me over text right, then doesn't tell me why. So i decide to confront him about a week later when I was completely over it and he says "Oh, I just thought you liked someone else...do you wanna get back together?" WTF? First of all, if that was your reason, why wouldn't you have just ASKED me, it would've probably avoided the whole break up shit. Secondly, how the hell are you gonna ask to get back together? Who do you think you are?!
SOOO of course I rejected him and that's when he started talking shit. So I sit next to one of his good friends in Spanish class. I walk into the class and his friend starts crackin' up and I looked at him funny and he said he was sorry. And I said is there something on my face? Then he says no, but I have to tell you something that [insert my ex's name here] said. So I ask what, and he goes "he said he dumped you 'cause you have a bigger dick than him." And I was shocked and angry but all that was taken over by my laughter of how immature [insert my ex's name here] is! Honey, anyone could have a bigger dick than you, but no one could ever BE a bigger dick than you. I didn't even bother trying to confront him about it because he just proved to me that rejecting him the second time was the best decision I've ever made in my life. And he was actually doing me some good by breaking up with me.
You can call me a hypocrite because before me and any of my ex's were ever able to build our friendship back, there was a lot of shit talking and dirty looking and eye rolling going on between us. But we managed to push all that behind us and be able to talk again, because relationships don't last forever, but friendships do...or at least they SHOULD.

Nonchalant.

My uncle told me when I was 6..
"Stop being so happy. Or something bad's about to happen."
So he believes that happiness is a jinx. And that when it occurs, some tragedy is about to strike. I kinda wanna go back to the Philippines. Just for one day, just to look him in the face and tell him how he always brought glumness into the room every time he walked in. And how I was afraid to be happy around him because I knew he was gonna lecture me and act as if being happy was some kinda felony or something. Then I would teach him how to smile. Maybe he would learn that life isn't a tragedy. Maybe his wife will come back. Oh, and maybe even introduce him to his 3 kids.

Deprival.

My dad's lived in the U.S.A. for 11 years. When I was 7, he, 2 of his brothers and 1 sister, visited us in the Philippines. They were staying for a month. When he arrived, there was a welcome home party at his mom's old house downtown. Everyone was over fucking excited like nothing bad could ever happen to us. It was a damn good time. But me? I was depressed from the first day that he came. Because I knew the time would end soon, and it would be heartbreak all over again. And that was exactly what it was once his departure hit. I couldn't even turn off the light in my room knowing that he would be doing that for me if he was still around. I couldn't even get out of bed in the morning because I knew he wasn't gonna be there to say "Want an otter pop for breakfast? Don't tell your mom!!" Speaking of, my mom's a really tough woman. I've never really seen her cry. 'Til that day my dad went back to where he lives. So you must think that we were glad to move to America to live with my dad right? Wrong. So, so wrong. I lived in the Philippines for 10 years. Yes, I brought most of my things with me when I moved, but I left my whole life down there. And it's still there now. There's just some things I'll never be able to get back. I'm happy here, don't get me wrong. But this isn't my home. This isn't where I took my first footsteps, this isn't where I spoke my first word, this isn't where I made my first friend, this isn't where I live! I feel like...in this whole life, I've never been 100% happy. When I was in the Philippines, I missed my dad. Now that I'm with my dad, I miss the Philippines. Just when I'm about to be happy...I'm not. You're thinking life isn't perfect Claudine, build a fucking bridge and get over it. Yeah, well, I probably won't ever get over it.
My whole life just always lacks something. I have the best family anyone could ever ask for...the best friends...etc. But I always knew something was missing. I still haven't figured out the whole side of it. I mean I'm satisfied. And I'm content and totally capable of being happy. But I'm not happy. I sometimes I feel like I need to be home. But then again, I can't picture my life back to the way it was when I lived in the Philippines. Can't deal with the heat...can't deal with the all-girls school...can't deal with the corrupt government...can't deal with the sky-rocketing crime probabilities, and other things like that. But still...there's just really no place like home sometimes.

Faith.

You don't got trust, you don't got nothing. You can't be best friends with a person you don't trust, because you can't build a friendship if you can't confide in each other. This especially applies if you're getting into a relationships. Relationships don't last long unless you're good friends first, and if there's no trust, there's no friendship, and there's no relationship. If you realize, when people quickly jump into dating each other when they barely just met, they don't last too long. And why not? Because those people don't know each other. They're probably together based on appearance and first impressions. But people aren't always what they seem. You never know, what if the person you're with is abusive? Or possessive? Or just someone you would rather not be with? It's easier to make mistakes on that. But if you got to know someone first, then most likely the friendship is there. In the dictionary, trust is a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. That's a very mere definition. I think they should add that trust is being able to confide in someone without having second thoughts on whether the word will get out or not. How about putting your guards down because you're sure that this person will not hurt you. Or how about...giving someone the ability to crush your world, and trusting that they wouldn't. I can't relate to the last one. I don't give my all to anyone. For some reason, when I start to, they give me something to burst my bubble. So I can't really say that I've ever put everything on the table. Because I know, not from experience, but from instinct, that no one can seriously be trusted. And I will never stop believing that. I noticed that everyone else has at least once broken down because of broken trust. I trust no one. Therefore, I haven't been really hurt. I don't let myself get hurt. Things that hurt other people emotionally, don't hurt me. And you'll rarely ever see me cry. I have cried, but never in my life have I fully 100% been crying. Maybe only when I moved from the Philippines to here. But I disagree when people call me strong. People that have gotten up after being beaten down to rock bottom, are the ones that I would call strong. I come off as insensitive, but I'm really just covered and shielded up in avoidance to being hurt. I'm not strong. I'm weak.

Deception.

Create a strategy of telling the truth without telling a lie. What do I do with the puddle of regret that resides in the core of my pupils as I deceive the being in front of them? I applaud the ones that are able to live with a conscience and a soul pinned down with dishonesty. And how they even get better and better every time they dive into the shallow end of a pool. A pest, tugging at the hem of your shirt. Tolerable, but irritating, especially on the worst possible day. Paranoia takes over, and trusting is impossible. Because even yourself can't be trusted. Like a fire tearing down a forest, tearing down a friendship. Quick! Before there's nothing left at all. While you punch and kick the smoke out of anger, out of frustration. Ironic, since you lit the match. The truth may hurt so go on telling your white lies. And black lies, and gold lies, and silver lies, and copper lies. Because in the end, it's still a lie.

Reminiscing.

Supposedly people that don't look back on the past die faster. It's an ungrateful attitude to not be able to reminisce and smile about the things that made you what you are today. Of course it's always fun to remember things, but sometimes it's also depressing. I hate having flashbacks that have something to do with middle school. I had my girls and my boys, we were all super close but now it's only hi&bye. I mean I'm still able to text them and talk for a minute, but it's still not the same. I want to be able to hang out with everyone like we used to. I miss AP mondays that we can never bring back because people are too busy doing their own thing and because one of us moved. We made a pact never to visit "the rock" without everyone there, so now I could never go to check if our names are still written on it. Sometimes I believe that the AP girls drifted because the writing on the rock washed off. Maybe we shouldn't have made promises on the rock. Because we knew that those markers weren't permanent. It's also amazing to me how 5407 was the only day that every girl in the group was able to hang out. We swore that a hang out on 5408 is a must, but it never happened. All our plans; bowling, swimming, ice skating, rock climbing and other random things, were all ruined because it was impossible to have every single person in the group to come. We tried to bring lunch crew back, but turns out one of the guys can't go. We're still having the kick it, but it just won't be the same. I mean don't get me wrong, the friends I have now are brilliant, but it's not easy keeping friendships the same. It's like I can only have 10 good friends in my lifetime, and when I make a new friend and get close, I fade with someone else. And the worst feeling you could ever have is trying to repair a friendship with someone who doesn't put as much effort in as you do. With parents like mine, it's hard to hang out with everyone. Getting into a relationship is also one of the ways that prevents me from keeping my friends close, and I'll admit, at first all I wanted to do was be with him. I still do, but I make sure that I'm not caught up with him like most girls. So I do make time for some of my friends. And some of my friends make time for me. But it will never ever be how it was in the past. There's nothing we can possibly do about it because obviously, it's just time not making space for us.

Communication.

Sometimes I feel like my parents just don't understand. While there are times when I could just sit with my mom in the car all day and talk about the world. Excluding certain things, of course. It's hard to have to sneak around, knowing that what I'm doing is terribly wrong, but if she just gave me enough freedom, she could almost be my best friend. Last time I ran away, she said "You AND your sister. You always treat us (meaning her&dad) like we're such idiots, while all we do is raise you so that you'll have a better future than we ever did." Of course she said it in our language, but it really hit me. It didn't stop me from going out the door, but I pondered on it for a while. And "for a while," I meant from then til now. My mom always rants on about how her parents were a hundred times stricter, and so were her brothers. When her brothers found out she's been with a boy, they hunt him down and whoop his ass and make sure he tells everyone so that no one ever bothers to come near my mom. It worked, til my dad came into the picture. He did get his ass whooped by my mom's brothers, and his whole family did tell him to stay away from her. But look where they're at now. I want something like that. I want a guy that will stay by me for the rest of my life, through EVERYTHING, and even if the relationship thing doesn't work, he'll still be there my whole life, as a best friend. Then I'll know he's my soulmate. No, I wouldn't have been married to my soulmate, but who ever made the rule that soulmates are lovers? So I'm guessing that that's why my mom wants me to wait for the "right guy." Of course I have dated a handful of guys already, but I know where she's coming from. My dad is her only "serious" relationship and it looks like she chose the right guy to stay with, and to fight for. But what I'm trying to say is, although its tough to listen to my parents, and it's tough to understand why they're so strict, at least I know it's for something good. I mean, that's thoughtful of them, but how can I claim that I have actually lived my life if they don't let me make my mistakes? Advice would be fine, just so I don't make mistakes that will ruin my life. But telling me not to get pregnant everytime I go to the movies is just going to annoy me because how in the world does anyone have sex at the movies? Keeping me locked up at home and not letting me go out whenever for no apparent reason is unfair and it's just going to make me not like my parents. I wouldn't be disrespectful if they had respect for me. So Mom, Dad, I'm sorry for lying. And yeah, I'm sneaking around behind your back 80% of the time. But you have to forgive me. 'Cause I forgave you.

Inhibition.

It's definitely hard to be a teenager. In middle school, the pressure begins and you realize that that girl has more ass than you. People ignore the fact that God makes no mistake. You're fat because God thought your life would be better like that. And you're too skinny because God thought you could accomplish more if you were. Many people are struggling to lose weight...for what? To look like those flat-chested, collar-bone popping, anorexic and/or bulimic barbie dolls you see on the runway? Who are these people trying to please? I was on the bus with my sister today and saw this really skinny girl jogging around the neighborhood by Ohlone College. I said, "Damn, I hate it when skinny girls go jogging. If I was skinny, I'd sit my ass on the couch and eat in-n-out all day, knowing I'll never gain a pound." It didn't sound stupid until it actually came out of my mouth, because it crossed my mind that that girl was skinny because she was jogging. But that doesn't cancel the fact that some people are just born with supermodel curves and a set of abs waiting to happen. It also bothers me when my friend confessed that she uses ecstasy to lose weight? My advice to her, (although I chose to walk away during her confession) just take an ax and cut your leg off. See? Instant 15 pounds off. Call me a hypocrite, but I think people should be able to accept their appearances. 'Cause really, in the long run, it's nothing to worry about. You only have one life, why not choose to enjoy it right? If you really want to eat the same thing everyday for the rest of your life...suit yourself.

Friendship.

I speak for many people when I say that it's easy to make friends. But the challenge is; being able to keep that friendship. Friendships falter all too quickly. Once the communication is gone, so is the connection, and I realize now that I'm not even too sure who my real friends are. There's people I've known for more than a couple of years but how am I sure that they're here to stick around. So out of all the people that call me "best friend" I could say that about only two of them came through. I have an idea that they call me best friend, because I am the person there for the time being, and vice versa. Sometimes I don't really know how to categorize my friends, and I'd rather not, but one way or another, you'll have to sit down and actually think about who was predictably bound to leave from the start. The people that are true are the ones that are "one call away" knowing that they don't necessarily need to be there every second of my life. There are also people that are kind, but just annoy the living hell out of me. I'm pretty sure I can tell what they do that's so annoying, but once I think about it, overall, they really do nothing wrong. Those are my friends that I can tell right of the bat aren't going to stick around for long, because, well, I don't want them to. I also know two of my friends who I just like so much. My first impression of them were...well, they just made too strong of an impression. But once I really got to know them, they're two people who do not know of each other (well, I don't know if they know of each other, but I'm pretty sure they don't know each other personally.) and are alike in so many ways. When I'm with one of them, she reminds me so much of the other, and vice versa. I find myself in a state of deja vu when I'm around either one, because the conversations are so alike! Of course I have the same stories to tell, and they also have the same responses. And I would sometimes accidentally bring up an inside joke to one of them, then later realize that it was actually between me and the other one. I don't talk to either one a lot, and we're definitely not in the same circle of friends, but I would consider them two of my best friends. Well I wouldn't say best friend, 'cause I'm starting not to believe in that concept. Maybe I'll just consider them two of my treasured friends. They haven't really done anything significant, but they just stand out to me. For no specific reason. Maybe the fact that no matter how much our friendships falter, I can still run back to them as if we've never been apart. It proves to me that we've already built a solid ground. So our friendships can't falter, they can only grow stronger. And I could only wish that I'm able to do that with the rest of the people in my life.