Nonchalant.

My uncle told me when I was 6..
"Stop being so happy. Or something bad's about to happen."
So he believes that happiness is a jinx. And that when it occurs, some tragedy is about to strike. I kinda wanna go back to the Philippines. Just for one day, just to look him in the face and tell him how he always brought glumness into the room every time he walked in. And how I was afraid to be happy around him because I knew he was gonna lecture me and act as if being happy was some kinda felony or something. Then I would teach him how to smile. Maybe he would learn that life isn't a tragedy. Maybe his wife will come back. Oh, and maybe even introduce him to his 3 kids.

Deprival.

My dad's lived in the U.S.A. for 11 years. When I was 7, he, 2 of his brothers and 1 sister, visited us in the Philippines. They were staying for a month. When he arrived, there was a welcome home party at his mom's old house downtown. Everyone was over fucking excited like nothing bad could ever happen to us. It was a damn good time. But me? I was depressed from the first day that he came. Because I knew the time would end soon, and it would be heartbreak all over again. And that was exactly what it was once his departure hit. I couldn't even turn off the light in my room knowing that he would be doing that for me if he was still around. I couldn't even get out of bed in the morning because I knew he wasn't gonna be there to say "Want an otter pop for breakfast? Don't tell your mom!!" Speaking of, my mom's a really tough woman. I've never really seen her cry. 'Til that day my dad went back to where he lives. So you must think that we were glad to move to America to live with my dad right? Wrong. So, so wrong. I lived in the Philippines for 10 years. Yes, I brought most of my things with me when I moved, but I left my whole life down there. And it's still there now. There's just some things I'll never be able to get back. I'm happy here, don't get me wrong. But this isn't my home. This isn't where I took my first footsteps, this isn't where I spoke my first word, this isn't where I made my first friend, this isn't where I live! I feel like...in this whole life, I've never been 100% happy. When I was in the Philippines, I missed my dad. Now that I'm with my dad, I miss the Philippines. Just when I'm about to be happy...I'm not. You're thinking life isn't perfect Claudine, build a fucking bridge and get over it. Yeah, well, I probably won't ever get over it.
My whole life just always lacks something. I have the best family anyone could ever ask for...the best friends...etc. But I always knew something was missing. I still haven't figured out the whole side of it. I mean I'm satisfied. And I'm content and totally capable of being happy. But I'm not happy. I sometimes I feel like I need to be home. But then again, I can't picture my life back to the way it was when I lived in the Philippines. Can't deal with the heat...can't deal with the all-girls school...can't deal with the corrupt government...can't deal with the sky-rocketing crime probabilities, and other things like that. But still...there's just really no place like home sometimes.

Faith.

You don't got trust, you don't got nothing. You can't be best friends with a person you don't trust, because you can't build a friendship if you can't confide in each other. This especially applies if you're getting into a relationships. Relationships don't last long unless you're good friends first, and if there's no trust, there's no friendship, and there's no relationship. If you realize, when people quickly jump into dating each other when they barely just met, they don't last too long. And why not? Because those people don't know each other. They're probably together based on appearance and first impressions. But people aren't always what they seem. You never know, what if the person you're with is abusive? Or possessive? Or just someone you would rather not be with? It's easier to make mistakes on that. But if you got to know someone first, then most likely the friendship is there. In the dictionary, trust is a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. That's a very mere definition. I think they should add that trust is being able to confide in someone without having second thoughts on whether the word will get out or not. How about putting your guards down because you're sure that this person will not hurt you. Or how about...giving someone the ability to crush your world, and trusting that they wouldn't. I can't relate to the last one. I don't give my all to anyone. For some reason, when I start to, they give me something to burst my bubble. So I can't really say that I've ever put everything on the table. Because I know, not from experience, but from instinct, that no one can seriously be trusted. And I will never stop believing that. I noticed that everyone else has at least once broken down because of broken trust. I trust no one. Therefore, I haven't been really hurt. I don't let myself get hurt. Things that hurt other people emotionally, don't hurt me. And you'll rarely ever see me cry. I have cried, but never in my life have I fully 100% been crying. Maybe only when I moved from the Philippines to here. But I disagree when people call me strong. People that have gotten up after being beaten down to rock bottom, are the ones that I would call strong. I come off as insensitive, but I'm really just covered and shielded up in avoidance to being hurt. I'm not strong. I'm weak.

Deception.

Create a strategy of telling the truth without telling a lie. What do I do with the puddle of regret that resides in the core of my pupils as I deceive the being in front of them? I applaud the ones that are able to live with a conscience and a soul pinned down with dishonesty. And how they even get better and better every time they dive into the shallow end of a pool. A pest, tugging at the hem of your shirt. Tolerable, but irritating, especially on the worst possible day. Paranoia takes over, and trusting is impossible. Because even yourself can't be trusted. Like a fire tearing down a forest, tearing down a friendship. Quick! Before there's nothing left at all. While you punch and kick the smoke out of anger, out of frustration. Ironic, since you lit the match. The truth may hurt so go on telling your white lies. And black lies, and gold lies, and silver lies, and copper lies. Because in the end, it's still a lie.

Reminiscing.

Supposedly people that don't look back on the past die faster. It's an ungrateful attitude to not be able to reminisce and smile about the things that made you what you are today. Of course it's always fun to remember things, but sometimes it's also depressing. I hate having flashbacks that have something to do with middle school. I had my girls and my boys, we were all super close but now it's only hi&bye. I mean I'm still able to text them and talk for a minute, but it's still not the same. I want to be able to hang out with everyone like we used to. I miss AP mondays that we can never bring back because people are too busy doing their own thing and because one of us moved. We made a pact never to visit "the rock" without everyone there, so now I could never go to check if our names are still written on it. Sometimes I believe that the AP girls drifted because the writing on the rock washed off. Maybe we shouldn't have made promises on the rock. Because we knew that those markers weren't permanent. It's also amazing to me how 5407 was the only day that every girl in the group was able to hang out. We swore that a hang out on 5408 is a must, but it never happened. All our plans; bowling, swimming, ice skating, rock climbing and other random things, were all ruined because it was impossible to have every single person in the group to come. We tried to bring lunch crew back, but turns out one of the guys can't go. We're still having the kick it, but it just won't be the same. I mean don't get me wrong, the friends I have now are brilliant, but it's not easy keeping friendships the same. It's like I can only have 10 good friends in my lifetime, and when I make a new friend and get close, I fade with someone else. And the worst feeling you could ever have is trying to repair a friendship with someone who doesn't put as much effort in as you do. With parents like mine, it's hard to hang out with everyone. Getting into a relationship is also one of the ways that prevents me from keeping my friends close, and I'll admit, at first all I wanted to do was be with him. I still do, but I make sure that I'm not caught up with him like most girls. So I do make time for some of my friends. And some of my friends make time for me. But it will never ever be how it was in the past. There's nothing we can possibly do about it because obviously, it's just time not making space for us.

Communication.

Sometimes I feel like my parents just don't understand. While there are times when I could just sit with my mom in the car all day and talk about the world. Excluding certain things, of course. It's hard to have to sneak around, knowing that what I'm doing is terribly wrong, but if she just gave me enough freedom, she could almost be my best friend. Last time I ran away, she said "You AND your sister. You always treat us (meaning her&dad) like we're such idiots, while all we do is raise you so that you'll have a better future than we ever did." Of course she said it in our language, but it really hit me. It didn't stop me from going out the door, but I pondered on it for a while. And "for a while," I meant from then til now. My mom always rants on about how her parents were a hundred times stricter, and so were her brothers. When her brothers found out she's been with a boy, they hunt him down and whoop his ass and make sure he tells everyone so that no one ever bothers to come near my mom. It worked, til my dad came into the picture. He did get his ass whooped by my mom's brothers, and his whole family did tell him to stay away from her. But look where they're at now. I want something like that. I want a guy that will stay by me for the rest of my life, through EVERYTHING, and even if the relationship thing doesn't work, he'll still be there my whole life, as a best friend. Then I'll know he's my soulmate. No, I wouldn't have been married to my soulmate, but who ever made the rule that soulmates are lovers? So I'm guessing that that's why my mom wants me to wait for the "right guy." Of course I have dated a handful of guys already, but I know where she's coming from. My dad is her only "serious" relationship and it looks like she chose the right guy to stay with, and to fight for. But what I'm trying to say is, although its tough to listen to my parents, and it's tough to understand why they're so strict, at least I know it's for something good. I mean, that's thoughtful of them, but how can I claim that I have actually lived my life if they don't let me make my mistakes? Advice would be fine, just so I don't make mistakes that will ruin my life. But telling me not to get pregnant everytime I go to the movies is just going to annoy me because how in the world does anyone have sex at the movies? Keeping me locked up at home and not letting me go out whenever for no apparent reason is unfair and it's just going to make me not like my parents. I wouldn't be disrespectful if they had respect for me. So Mom, Dad, I'm sorry for lying. And yeah, I'm sneaking around behind your back 80% of the time. But you have to forgive me. 'Cause I forgave you.

Inhibition.

It's definitely hard to be a teenager. In middle school, the pressure begins and you realize that that girl has more ass than you. People ignore the fact that God makes no mistake. You're fat because God thought your life would be better like that. And you're too skinny because God thought you could accomplish more if you were. Many people are struggling to lose weight...for what? To look like those flat-chested, collar-bone popping, anorexic and/or bulimic barbie dolls you see on the runway? Who are these people trying to please? I was on the bus with my sister today and saw this really skinny girl jogging around the neighborhood by Ohlone College. I said, "Damn, I hate it when skinny girls go jogging. If I was skinny, I'd sit my ass on the couch and eat in-n-out all day, knowing I'll never gain a pound." It didn't sound stupid until it actually came out of my mouth, because it crossed my mind that that girl was skinny because she was jogging. But that doesn't cancel the fact that some people are just born with supermodel curves and a set of abs waiting to happen. It also bothers me when my friend confessed that she uses ecstasy to lose weight? My advice to her, (although I chose to walk away during her confession) just take an ax and cut your leg off. See? Instant 15 pounds off. Call me a hypocrite, but I think people should be able to accept their appearances. 'Cause really, in the long run, it's nothing to worry about. You only have one life, why not choose to enjoy it right? If you really want to eat the same thing everyday for the rest of your life...suit yourself.

Friendship.

I speak for many people when I say that it's easy to make friends. But the challenge is; being able to keep that friendship. Friendships falter all too quickly. Once the communication is gone, so is the connection, and I realize now that I'm not even too sure who my real friends are. There's people I've known for more than a couple of years but how am I sure that they're here to stick around. So out of all the people that call me "best friend" I could say that about only two of them came through. I have an idea that they call me best friend, because I am the person there for the time being, and vice versa. Sometimes I don't really know how to categorize my friends, and I'd rather not, but one way or another, you'll have to sit down and actually think about who was predictably bound to leave from the start. The people that are true are the ones that are "one call away" knowing that they don't necessarily need to be there every second of my life. There are also people that are kind, but just annoy the living hell out of me. I'm pretty sure I can tell what they do that's so annoying, but once I think about it, overall, they really do nothing wrong. Those are my friends that I can tell right of the bat aren't going to stick around for long, because, well, I don't want them to. I also know two of my friends who I just like so much. My first impression of them were...well, they just made too strong of an impression. But once I really got to know them, they're two people who do not know of each other (well, I don't know if they know of each other, but I'm pretty sure they don't know each other personally.) and are alike in so many ways. When I'm with one of them, she reminds me so much of the other, and vice versa. I find myself in a state of deja vu when I'm around either one, because the conversations are so alike! Of course I have the same stories to tell, and they also have the same responses. And I would sometimes accidentally bring up an inside joke to one of them, then later realize that it was actually between me and the other one. I don't talk to either one a lot, and we're definitely not in the same circle of friends, but I would consider them two of my best friends. Well I wouldn't say best friend, 'cause I'm starting not to believe in that concept. Maybe I'll just consider them two of my treasured friends. They haven't really done anything significant, but they just stand out to me. For no specific reason. Maybe the fact that no matter how much our friendships falter, I can still run back to them as if we've never been apart. It proves to me that we've already built a solid ground. So our friendships can't falter, they can only grow stronger. And I could only wish that I'm able to do that with the rest of the people in my life.