today,

i spent my day with rachel adriano.

love her. her fucking pillow=//////////

so my day

was spent with linh at sf cause we wanted to shop. but then everything was hella expensive so we walked around to forever 21 and american eagle and shit. then i froze my ass off and told him i was gonna die. so we hopped back into the car and put the heater on blassst! then i told him i wanted japanese food. so we went to jiro. tempura + beef teriyaki! then he had that gross raw fish thing it wasnt sushi i think it was called sashimi. then i triedto use chopsticks to be KOOL. then it didnt work. after we went back to his house and chilled til kat called and informed us that she was dying of boredom. so we just hung out there and played typing mania >:) i won. bitch! too azn fo u! LOLL. then some dude was outside doing fireworks and we took turns peeking out the bushes screaming "IT AINT FOURTH OF JULY BITCH!" HAHAHHA that was a blast. well i had hella fun today and i should tomorrow cause im going over to rachels house...skipping church im so fucking KOOL. lollll.

its so cold dude.

i thought today was gonna be terrrible cause my morning was. but you know what? im really over it. MUUUAHHH!

hey guess what.

i was over it before i knew i was over it.

im happy =) i love you sammy.

why dont i just die already.

honey,

so officially,

YOURE A BITCH. its not that im ____________ its the fact that you fucking did it to piss me the fuck off. which obviously, PISSED ME THE FUCK OFF. so there bitch. mission mother fucking accomplished. AND DONT EXPECT ME TO BE ___________ OF ____ BITCHASS BECAUSE IM NOT IM _________ AND _____ FUCKING ________. SO FUCK YOU. BITCH.




"i flew today."



and this bitch sammy "be home in 30" my ass! loooove you :)



well the fuck is wrong with your dumbass? get off the damn computer go fuck a bitch or something.

samuel paul breglia, youre my best friend and i love you.

my damned dreams.

so why else would i fucking sleep if i know its gonna be a damn nightmare.


i think if i went lesbian, i would choose you. but then..yeah.

i fucking hate my life (:

BUT SURPRISINGLY, I'M FUCKING OVER IT. FUCK HER, THEN.

I don't mean to be a burden,

I just wish I was some kind of priority to you and that you cared at all about how i felt. Nothing is worse than what you make me feel. And I can't even tell you that because if I do, I get nothing out of it. I just wish we could rewind back to the old days when I meant anything to you.

Well,

I don't really know what I deserve...and if I deserve what I have. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, but I know it shouldn't be this. Because I didn't do anything. I always make wrong decisions, even about obvious things that even a five year old could point out. Just go away. I don't need anybody.

i wish i was as strong as that.

so...

the one who youre in love with or the one whos in love with you?

<3

AS OF TODAAY,

im taking drivers ed! omggg im so excited. hopefully it wont be too hard to finish it along with my APUSH hw and my stupid honors english hw. my mom still requires it even though i might mvoe to san diego. but my friends are making me feel bad about it =(

I keep

giving my mom items on restaurant city on facebook.

But it still doesnt amount to the shit she's ever done for me.

my worst fear

is that ill be a burden to you.

i MUST ask

dear god, why me?

storrrrry of my life.

so im booored now, finally home. hahaha im watching wizards of waverly place. idenno i wanna drrrrink. claude is going to the philippines. how saaad :( til july. damnit july. anyways.

i deleted my myspace.

and made a facebook.

I got a new phonecase today.

Its pink. I like it, I think. It was better than the black one, I kept on thinking about how austin said "this hella kills your phone." hahaha, because it did.

i wanna kick it. bleh. and i really really want a fucking eyebrow piercing but myy moms making me wait til im 18. i want a job, like really badly. i need one >:( hahahahaa. summer sucks.

im hella sleepy, wearing contacts is such a pain in the ass. youu have to fucking take it off and everything ughh. i wanna dye my hair black again, like jet ass black cause the bottom's starting to turn brown and for some reason these front strands of my bangs keep turning hella light brown no matter how many times i dye it. hahaha.

oh i bet you think my blogs are boring, cause i think other peoples blogs are boring sometimes. like when they talk about their lives. i love rant blogs, theyre so interesting, and when people put like pictures on it. it attracts me more rather than this kinda blog im doing right now, which is boring, but i love talking about shit then reading back to it. like an online diary. i actually do have an online diary which i update like, once a year. but when i update it i put hella detail and theres hella shit on there from 6th grade dude its hella interesting. i love reading it. i love reading old diaries i used to be like obsessed with reading my old myspace comments. but then i deleted my myspace. then i made a new one. add me! www.myspace.com/claudineeeee. hahaha, u suck.

I'm on an inspirational photography frenzy.

Strangers.

So I went to starbucks today, and while in line I turned around to see this girl. She looked at me, I smiled, and turned back around.

Suddenly I find myself wondering if this girl realized that our lives have crossed paths. We're complete strangers and I could've lived my life perfectly without standing in front of her in line...I think.

So maybe she's at starbucks because she slept late last night, and needed a coffee to wake her up. Well, what if she slept early last night? Then she would've never seen me. What if there was more to it than that, what if her computer hadn't lost battery and deleted her report that she stayed up all night doing? Then she would've had a perfect night's sleep and never seen me at starbucks. What if she hadn't been distracted by a tv show and remembered to charge her laptop?

There could've been so many ways she could have avoided seeing me at starbucks, yet she did. I wonder what she saw when she looked at me. Is it the same thing I see in the mirror?

When I was younger, I wished that I had an endless stack of post its that say "claudine was here" and I would just stick them wherever I went. Then I could come back and say that 5 years ago I was standing right here.

LOOK BACK,

how else are you supposed to know how far you've come.

Simplicity.

I changed my blog name thing. I realized my uncle goes on blogspot a LOT and i dont want him to like, discover my blogspot one day hahaha. If you're asking what sescui is...well that was the code thing we have to type in to confirm I'm not a virus..what do you call that aagain? Uhh, OH captcha. Hahaha. Yeah that was the captcha thing. Sescui. So it means absolutely nothing :) Anyways, I need a job. And I'm also bout to do drivers ed. Imma go running tomorrow I think, I'm done being chubby!

Well I finally installed norton on this laptop so I'm no longer scared to download stuff. But I am undecided about downloading limewire and itunes on here, I feel like its just gonna eat up all the memory on this and make the bitch hella slow. So I'll just whatever.

I realize that I have no guy friends anymore, haha. Except for brian. And i can't forget Linh, he STAAAY there for me dude. But the guys who I thought were like, my NIGGAS, you know, really aren't. Haha, I'm good though. I drop friends like nothing. Which is bad, but I'm sorry. I move on quickly.

Well things at home are pretty good. Finally.

Neutral.

So its finally all out in the open, I'm with Brian Saechao and my parents know it. Bahahah its funny how they think I'm gonna break up with him just cause they found out. Well I can't really break up with him cause of the whole complicated situation I'm in but you don't need to know. Cause nobody knows, not even me.

Well summer has began and it's alright, me and my mom are still not talking but she talked to me lightweight at costco. hahahaha. hey my feel smell weird in these socks.

Well I lovemy fucking laptop. its so convenient and lately I find myself on fmylife.com hella much, maybe cause I'm trynna see who has a shittier life than me.

Well my parents are very conservative, tahts the only thing wrong with my life. and lately I just realized how much i fucking love my dad, hes so understanding and forgiving. well compared to my mom, yeah. theres fucking hella kids thats parents are cool with them dating and shit wtf, whats so wrong about it. My parents were hella like oh youre ruining your life WTF nigga. I still get good ass grades. I got my classes for next year all of them are honors and ap except for tagalog and biotech. im looking to switch out of biotech though...cause yeah i cant work on my own im so bad.

Alyssa got me addicted to fucking diner dash, its on my sisters itouch but shes being hella stingy with it.

Life sucks sober, I hella want to drink, I want tequila so it hits so fucking fast not like that hpnotq shit where theres NO burn and takes hella dayss to hit you and it goes away hella fast. but maybe cause i was on my medication at that time. hm, who knows i jsut wnana drink. popping and burning are so gay now, although i would never turn down a blunt hahaha i just wouldnt hella look for it anymore. well it depends, maybe when linhs back in my life i will love trees. stogess...suck. i quit that. ill do it if its there and lit and everything, otherwise i cant get myself to crave it like i used to which is GOOOOD cause its really nothing....its not worth it. weed is =) and my daddy patron.

how nice.

Education.

I liked my talk with Linny today. I didn't know he could be serious -.-

Anyway I feel that being in this relationship taught me lots about myself, and this has been more anger management than any anger management class ive taken, and that i think i've matured my mind. Like I don't get mad as easily, I know how to talk myself out of that, and also jealousy.

I watched "up" but I don't know if I recommend it, cause I fell asleep. I said hello to asia and i told her I dont believe in God.

Idk about that. Do I though? I can't help my catholic mentality though, like even when I'm telling myself I don't believe in God, I feel guilty 'cause God can hear me. Its pretty ironic, I can't pull myself out of it. I guess I do believe in God, then.

My nail broke. Damn.

Everyweekend,

healing<3

I hate memory lane.

like it never happened...

Fun!

I quit.

Why does a good decision feel like ass.

Improvement.

So the best part of being a human being,
is having the ability to improve.

Which i have discovered.

I find me, being me.
I find me, being a better me, than I have ever been.

I'm blessed after all=)

And of course I'll continue to find ways to remind you that my thoughts remain with you.
But I haven't reminded you,
that my heart remains with me.

=)

Speechless.

I wanna blog. But I can't really find the words to say.

Every small distance affects us. I want it to be summer, but I can't help but believe that that's gonna be the end of the road for us. I wish I could change it, but at this point..

I pretty much screwed up everything in my life=)



And for all the friends that I lost...
Congratulations.

haha...remember? =)

:/

Homewrecking.

Acceptance.

SO ITS BEEN OVER A FUCKING WEEK and my mom's still not over that shit. She's still hella bitchy to me. Wooowww dude. First friday I ever came straight home. But I had fun walking home, bahahah I wonder why.

Kbye,

Adjustments.

"If everything is going your way,
expect shitstorms."

"Being lonely,
is not the same as being alone."

So my life is good for now. I usually don't blog when my life is good. My mom and I are still not on speaking terms, and I really wanna go out >:[ But I can't.

Life's cheeeeeeeel.

Falter.

I'm sad. Some people just have it all.

Abyss.

So I'm at my all time low right now, my mom won't talk to me. She told me never to leave my room, I can't talk on the phone, I can't use the computer, I can't watch TV. I can't do anything. I'm only allowed to lay in my bed. She told me not to eat. Right now I'm home alone so I'm free for now. I haven't eaten in one and a half days, and I checked my weight and I'm at 109 right now. I'm happy about that, actually. I don't really have much of an appetite anyway, so even though I could go eat, I'm not gonna. For the people that are texting me, please stop. I got my phone taken away.

I don't really know what to do with my life anymore. Everything just hella went downhill. I wish I had anybody to talk to, but I'm hella on restriction. I was having a good ass time with Sammy and Gabby, but I had to leave early 'cause I got in hella trouble. Fuck dude.

I tried reading a book to pass time, but that did not work out. So I decided to read my sister's archie comic things and they're pretty bad, but it was better than reading a book, really..

And also I was reading the letter my mom wrote me from retreat, and I started hella crying. I went out to say sorry to her but she just kept on passing me by like I wasn't there. So I just gave up. Just whatever now. I probably deserve it. Been gettin' away with shit for sooooo damn long.

I like not knowing. Ignorance is bliss.

I was laughing earlier, and I totally forgot why. I thought I should make a note out of that.

My mom said, "You better fucking eat. Not because I care about you, because I don't wanna pay for your doctor shit."

Satisfaction.

I'm proud of me =)

Transformation.

Feels good to know where I stand :)

"I know it's hard on a rainy day, you want to shut the world out and just be left alone but don't run out on your faith, 'cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand and what you've been up there searching for forever is in your hands."

So today will be a goooood day =) w/family. Tomorrow, Sammy, & Gabby day :o Exciteeeed.

Decisions.

Priorities.

So, as of last week, I have been going out every single day. Which is not good, knowing what I've been doing. I think it's my way of coping, a little, but also as of last week I have been neutral nelly. I have very little to NO feelings at all. I kinda just go with my instincts. Wake up with "How do I feel today?" but never really getting an answer.

I have a C in biochem, which is totally no surprise. Not as big a surprise as my A- in fucking honors english! Suck on that, bitches :) But that's not as big a surprise that my sister has a higher GPA than me :/ 3.14? Life's going downhillllll. Byebye San Diego State =(

I'm really looking forward to that one thing, bahahahha you should know, Samuel Breglia.


So I finally kicked it w/Camille, Arianne, & Veronica :o
It's been a while, girlssss. A long, long while.

And I still haven't decided. Tahoe/LA? I'm going more towards just staying in UC & kickin it with everyone. So Jason also wants me to go to San Diego b/c I haven't visited his white ass in a while, but we'll see bout thattttt =)

kbye!

Irresponsible.

So I'm totally slacking off in everything...fuck. I'm gonna die in Ms. AA's class forreal. That damn project dude. I haven't done shit in that class for 3 days. Spring break, come rescue me!

Sanguine.

Nothing can ever be just right. I can't just be on one side and be happy. I have to suffer either way. I don't see what I'm supposed to do anymore, it's like nobody is letting me be happy. There are people that can take pain and there are people that can't. And I'm sure I can't. I'm always sad, I don't know why. But I'm pretty good at pretending.


^^^My feelings in a song.

Its cool, I'm positive as fuck =)

So we watched Passion of the Christ, oh damn that shit was terrible. How can people even do that to someone else. They'd rather free a notorious murderer than a man who claims to be the messiah, but harms no one? They put him through so much pain and it's hella on screen, my back hurt from watching that shit even though I wasn't being whipped.

I left early though, cause it was my uncles bday. I ALMOST finished my reflections but I ran out of ink on my computer and I wasn't about to draw it ahahahaha. I hella bullshitted on it.

So I've been trynna see if I should go back on myspace or not, but yeah. And I'm trynna figure out how to subscribe to people on this, idk how LOL.

Anyway, that's all for today =) Good day!

Elysium.

Today was a wonderful day, patched things up with my baby, and going over to his house tomorrow. We're going to play Paper Mario. Hopefully that's the end of the drama there 'cause I can't handle it :[ I just heard the door sound and there's no one there and I'm home alone. I just scared myself. Hahaha. My math homework is terrible. The one for tonight wasn't so bad but the night before, I haven't finished and it sucks and I don't understand it. Tomorrow we're not allowed to eat meat, but I'm gonna! =)

Well I find myself being left behind a lot, and I feel that I depend too much on only one person. But I opened my mind and decided I don't need superclose friends that I have to talk to everyday, but there's those people that are consistently there for me and likewise.


this video seems to cheer me up a lot, and i have been singing this song all day because it has been stuck in my head (and everyone else around me after that).

Also, us watching that moreau girl finger herself was hilarious. That bitch could use a brazilian.

Disregard.

I realize, that I do not give a rat's ass if you forget :) and alsoooo, i'm sleepy. Have you ever just sat down and realized how tired you are of your life? Jeeezus, it's the same damn routine every fuckin' day, I just need a miracle to come spice up my life.

And I decide, that I'm a bitch and I was never meant to care for anybody's feelings. And this, forcing myself to care thing, is fading fassssst. No tears, no regrets :]

give me paradise.

Abandoned.

..dont.