Choices.

To start off, you need to know that I'm a very indecisive person. I like to contemplate before I make decisions, because I'm afraid to be wrong. Through experience, I've learned that no matter how much I think before I make my choice, it still doesn't make the choice I make, right. My mom always says "Regret never comes firsthand." That's right for the most part, but what about the things you can't control? What about the things that just happen? Well maybe regret really does come firsthand, you just don't know it yet.

Last week I came across a situation where I tested my friendship with two people. One of them I'm, in a way, close with, while the other one is just someone I know. I don't want to go into detail, but basically, there was just this problem that involved all three of us. Even though the one I'm close with was wrong, and the one that's just someone I know was right, I decided to continue on being friends with the one I'm close with because I realize that no matter what, through everything, he/she's the one that has made more of an impact in my life than the other person. And I can't stand having him/her walk out of my life. I was proud to realize that, and proud that I made the right decision...I think.

Solitude.

I need to learn how to be more independent. I feel like there are certain people that need to be in my life in order for me to stand on my own two feet. I should really learn how to just trust myself and make sure that I don't put my all into someone so that when they leave, it won't affect me. I don't mind being dented, but I don't want to be broken. Something I also need to learn is how to adjust to change. I can't just expect everything to be all good and dandy my entire life, shit happens. I should just be thankful that for a short period of time everyday was a perfect day. I didn't wake up grumpy, I woke up with a huge smile on my face, 100% sure that my day was going to be flawless, just like yesterday. What I didn't know that finally, I'll wake up, expecting a day even better than the previous one, and found myself in tears by the end of it. Suddenly, I get a second chance and everything's all good again, until I start to really think. This change is affecting everything and no matter what nothing's ever gonna be back to normal. And I can't have that. I just wish that whatever happens, I'll be fine. I want to be able to handle everything without needing anyone to hold me up because in the end, the only person that will never let me down is myself.

Damage.

I was finally really happy. Everything was going really well for me. But of course something has to come along and screw it all up. 8 months and 9 days of seeing each other and kickin it every single day, to maybe seeing each other every weekend. I can't do it:[ I know I can't. I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of thinking about it, knowing there's really no bright side. Because there isn't. I'm sick of this fucking lump in my throat and I'm scared to death of next week. I don't want it to come. I wish today would be the longest fucking day ever. But I know our relationship was way too good for something not to go wrong. Because when things seem too good to be true, it probably is. I love you. You're my everything. You're not supposed to be..but you are. I just wanna be with you. How we are every single day for the past 8 months and I don't want anything to change. I don't want distance between us. I need you here. I hate walking around and seeing other couples so happy. They're always taking pictures and putting it all over their myspace with their cute smiles and holding hands and all that. Going over to each other's houses and spending time with each other..we had that. Why do they get to do that for years and more to come, while all we have is a mere 8 months. This is so unfair.

Punishment.

I'm a cheerful person, I hate drama, and I hate hate and I hate when people don't like me. Even the people that don't matter to me, if I get the feeling they don't like me, it still affects me. Because I feel like I'm not doing something right. I'm human and I accept that--I'll make mistakes, and keep making them 'til I get it right. I sin, I sin to God, break the rules, andgo against my word. I'm imperfect, and it makes me feel exactly how God intended it. I try to fix it, and I'll try to make it better, but no promises, because I'm imperfect. We're all imperfect, but some people are just more sorted out than others. I'm imperfect. I'm imperfect. I'm imperfect. How many times do I need to admit it? I know I'm wrong, but I still do it. My self discipline fails me, and I fail someone else. I fail God. But I'll fix it, and I'll try to fix it, because I'm aware of my mistakes, and it can never be permanent unless I let it. It's never to late to change your direction. I'm only human, and we can only handle so much. Someone has my life all planned out, and no matter what, it's always going to work out in the end. Because he's God. And he knows everything, and he'll help fix my problems, and he'll help me get through the rough times and he'll guide me with the things I need to get by and he'll teach me how to be stronger and he'll have me experience how much I need to be independent and and he'll provide me with as much tears I need to lift the weight off my shoulders, and he'll remind me when I'm doing something wrong and he'll show me the difference between what I want and what I need and he'll train me to be more grateful for the people that work so hard to keep me up. Best of all, he built me to be strong. I know he did.

So no matter how difficult and how much struggle he puts me through...I know I don't have a reason to be angry with God.

Irony.

I think it's strange how people break up then suddenly hate each other. First of all, don't you think you should be even just a little grateful for the people that worked so hard to keep you happy at one point? And what about all that time you spent together, all the stuff you went through...do you just erase it from your memory or what? I've always wondered why ex-couples feel the need to talk all that shit about each other, I mean, if that girl was so bad in bed, why would you even fuck them five more times after the first one? And if that guy was so bad at kissing, then why did you keep going to the movies with him just to make out? If your ex was so bad at everything, why'd you even keep dating that person in the first place?! We all know our ex's were amazing but just too afraid to admit it because you'd feel like you let something good go. And we all talk shit because we're angry. But if it was meant to be, it would always find its way, and since you're still not back together, maybe you were meant to be just friends. Like I always say, the current is always good 'til you find something better. I'm friends with almost all my ex's because they were my best friends at one point, and taking it to the next level and having it not work out would NEVER be my reason for a broken friendship. But take note that I said ALMOST when I said all my ex's are my friends. There is only one exception, and this guy was the only one that dumped me. So, he dumps me over text right, then doesn't tell me why. So i decide to confront him about a week later when I was completely over it and he says "Oh, I just thought you liked someone else...do you wanna get back together?" WTF? First of all, if that was your reason, why wouldn't you have just ASKED me, it would've probably avoided the whole break up shit. Secondly, how the hell are you gonna ask to get back together? Who do you think you are?!
SOOO of course I rejected him and that's when he started talking shit. So I sit next to one of his good friends in Spanish class. I walk into the class and his friend starts crackin' up and I looked at him funny and he said he was sorry. And I said is there something on my face? Then he says no, but I have to tell you something that [insert my ex's name here] said. So I ask what, and he goes "he said he dumped you 'cause you have a bigger dick than him." And I was shocked and angry but all that was taken over by my laughter of how immature [insert my ex's name here] is! Honey, anyone could have a bigger dick than you, but no one could ever BE a bigger dick than you. I didn't even bother trying to confront him about it because he just proved to me that rejecting him the second time was the best decision I've ever made in my life. And he was actually doing me some good by breaking up with me.
You can call me a hypocrite because before me and any of my ex's were ever able to build our friendship back, there was a lot of shit talking and dirty looking and eye rolling going on between us. But we managed to push all that behind us and be able to talk again, because relationships don't last forever, but friendships do...or at least they SHOULD.